The Terrific Tale of Joseph Zipperpin,
The Academy Award-Winning,
Best Film of Ever
INT. SOUND STAGE – DAY
A dark hallway leading to the lit sound stage. Deep, heavy breaths. The camera is focused on the back of an man walking onto the stage.
The sounds of an audience clapping become louder and louder, filling our ears as we follow this individual out to the stage and a trio of podiums. He stands behind the middle podium.
The camera swings to face our individual, and we see that he is a dashing, twenty-something male in a suit. The stage is now the familiar site of the game show, JEOPARDY! Our handsome man writes his name on a screen in front of him, and the camera moves in for a close-up of the front the podium as his name appears:
We hold on the name as our host, Alex Trebek, welcomes the audience and television viewers. The show begins.
THE PREVIOUS CHAMPION: Let’s start off with “ANCIENT HISTORY” for $200.
ALEX: The Trojan war took place in this century.
Our man, Joseph Zipperpin, rings in, but we…
EXT. MOUNTAIN CLIFFS – STORMY EVENING
Ancient Greece. A man is climbing up a mountain, straining with each reach for another rock.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: I must get to the Oracles!
He makes it to the top of the dark mountain, and an area like where the oracles are in the movie 300. Lightning crashes. Wind whips the man’s forest-thick beard. In front of him sit three ghastly “oracles”. One of the three oracles is hairier and shorter than his companions, and talks with a thick New Orleans accent. We recognize him as JOSEPH ZIPPERPIN – he nods at the camera.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: O Wise Oracles, I must know when this Great Trojan War will be over.
JOSEPH: It will end sometime before it becomes 1,100 years before Jesus Christ will be born.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: What?
JOSEPH: To give you a round about date I would say 1,167 B.C.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: B.C.?
JOSEPH: Before Christ. Didn’t I just say that?
MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: What is Christ?
JOSEPH: I think you mean whom.
MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: I am greatly confused…great Oracle!
JOSEPH: Oh, this is going nowhere.
Joseph gets up and gives the man a roundhouse kick to the face and he begins to tumble down the mountain. Joseph high-fives the other oracles.
INT. SOUND STAGE – DAY
Back at Jeopardy.
JOSEPH: What is the 12th Century, BC?
ALEX: Correct for $200
JOSEPH (whispering to himself): I was just 12 years old.
INT. SOUND STAGE – A LITTLE LATER
The part in Jeopardy right after the first commercial break: a little chat with the contestants.
ALEX: Well, Joseph, it says here that you’re…well, why don’t you tell us how old you are?
JOSEPH: I’m 3,100…but I look a lot younger.
The crowd laughs, and so does Alex. He shakes his head, and moves on to the next contestant.
Joseph just smiles, sheepishly. If he wasn’t so fantastic looking you’d think he was a moron.
INT. JEOPARDY GAME SHOW STAGE – DAY
It is the middle of the Double Jeopardy round. Joseph has $20,000 compared to the other contestants who each have $0. They look pretty pissed actually. Anyway, it is obviously his turn to choose because no one else has gotten any right.
JOSEPH: I’ll take World War II Ra-tions for $1,600.
The special sound of a DAILY DOUBLE rings out.
ALEX: Remember, Joseph, each correct response will end with the letters “T-I-O-N”. What will you wager?
JOSPEH: I’ll make it a true daily double.
The audience gasps. Alex loosens his tie, and throws his cue cards in the air.
Joseph stands there, as blank as ever.
ALEX: These camps were used to incarcerate Jewish and other prisoners of the Nazi Army.
Joseph rings in, but we
INT. CONCENTRATION CAMP BARRACKS – NIGHT
Joseph Zipperpin, looking about 30 or so, sits on a bunk carefully reading “The Metamorphosis” under the moonlight that shines conveniently on his page. He hears the sound of footsteps coming towards him and puts the book down, pretending to sleep.
A Nazi officer comes to his bunk.
NAZI (in a very loud whisper): Wake up, Jew!
Luckily all the other prisoners are in a deep sleep, and no one else wakes up.
Joseph turns towards the man, who is boiling with anger.
NAZI: I could hear you turning the pages of your…BOOK!
Joseph gasps and winces.
JOSEPH: I…I…I’m sorry.
NAZI (calming): Don’t be.
Joseph brings his head up to look at the officer, he looks confused.
NAZI: Bring it out from under your pathetic blanket…and read to me!
Joseph grins, stupidly. The Nazi officer cozies up next to Joseph, and he begins to read.
INT. SOUND STAGE – DAY
Close-up on Joseph.
JOSEPH: What are “concentra-TION camps?”
ALEX: That is correct!
The crowd erupts with applause.
Joseph smiles shyly, thinking back on those old reading times…
ALEX: This is another word for happy.
Joseph rings in and we
INT. CONCENTRATION CAMP BARRACKS – AGAIN
Joseph and the Nazi Officer from before have loud intercourse, and kiss passionately. Luckily all the other prisoners, and Nazi guards, and Hitler are in a deep sleep.
INT. JEOPARDY – STILL THE SAME
JOSEPH: What is gay?
ALEX: Well done, Joseph. You’ve answered every question on the board. It’s almost like your life was made up of the answers from this show. Simply poetic. I can’t think of a better subject for a movie. We’re on to Final Jeopardy next…
INT. SOUND STAGE – 20 WEEKS LATER
Joseph is still on the Jeopardy. He is just unstoppable. A force of nature. Zipperpin-Mania has captured America’s attention. People in the audience wear shirts with his face on them. A teenage girl holds up a sign that says “WILL YOU MARRY ME, JOSEPH?” with a big red heart on it, and lipstick marks. She could not know what is about to happen.
It is FINAL JEOPARDY. The theme music plays as our contestants write down their answers.
On the far right of the screen is an OLD MAN wearing a Nazi uniform; the swastikas are huge. He is tied with Joseph for the lead. This has never happened before. No one has even been able to ring in for the past 20 weeks. Something special is in the air.
The Old Man keeps looking at Joseph and nervously smiling. Joseph doesn’t notice, and feverishly writes down his answer.
The music ends; it’s the moment of truth.
Joseph’s answer is revealed: What is The Metamorphosis?
He breathes a sigh of relief and looks at the Old Man, who reveals his answer: What is The Metamorphosis? (with a smiley face drawn next to it, and one of those hearts with an arrow in it)
All of a sudden, Joseph realizes who the Old Man really is…
FLASHBACK – CONCENTRATION CAMP – NIGHT
Joseph and the Nazi hold each other as Joseph closes the book he was reading…”The Metamorphosis”.
JOSEPH: Heinrich? Is it really you?
HEINRICH: Yes, Joseph, it’s me. Ever since I saw your face I knew I had to get on this show. I never would have been able to do it if you hadn’t told me your life story, and also taught me how to read!
JOSEPH: Oh, Heinrich, it’s been so long!
They run to each other, and kiss for about a minute. It seems like its going on forever, when all of a sudden…
BATMAN CRASHES THROUGH THE SOUND STAGE CEILING! He punches Alex Trebek in the face!
BATMAN: Why the hell wasn’t I invited? I’m Batman!
In the mayhem, a zombie of Richard Nixon wearing Italian shoes walks on to the stage and takes a bite out of the unconscious Trebek.
RICHARD NIXON ZOMBIE: I’m drunk and I love hamburgers!
Batman, being a hero, kicks Richard Nixon in the face and his head flies off.
BATMAN: Even though I wasn’t invited, I still support the right for two men to get married! Let’s wed these two men right now!
Wedding music kicks in.
BATMAN: By the power vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you: husband and…
BANG! A gunshot rings out.
It’s CLINT EASTWOOD! And he looks angry!
CLINT: I WILL NOT LET AMERICA DIE!
Batman and Clint Eastwood fight, and the stage gets set on fire. The crowd leaves in a panic and Joseph slowly walks backstage, crying.
He wipes his eyes and standing in front of him is…the ghost of his mother.
JOSEPH’S MOTHER: I told you that life would always be unpredictable, and that you’d never know what was gonna happen until it happened to you. The future will always be a mystery of things that we can’t know until it’s not the future anymore, but the past. Like a bag of groceries that someone else bought for you and put on your table, you never really know what’s in there. Don’t you ever forget that, Joseph.
Joseph smiles again.
JOSEPH: I love you, mama.