THE UNLIMITED FREEDOM CASTLE

Hey guys! It’s Kyle! I’m back from the dead, and living in Oregon. Life is kinda crazy at the moment, but none of that matters to you. What matters to you is that The Unlimited Freedom Castle will be making its real world (read: non-Internet) debut at the ON Gallery (321 NW 6th #101) in Portland TOMORROW NIGHT! All the details are in the posts below, and we hope to see you there!

Also, it’s been a while since we’ve had a good old-fashioned dose of collaboration here on the site, so without further ado, I give you….

RE: Your application and interview for official Villain of Westchester

Dear Toxic Death Shaman:

Thank you for coming in to our offices at City Hall yesterday and meeting with our council. It was a pleasure meeting you, and discussing the opening of Town Villain. There were many villains to choose from, and we were pleasantly surprised by your specific brand of evilness and firm commitment to “Toxic Torture” as you called it. With that said, we regret to inform you that the position has been filled.

We make it our business to let our applicants know where we think their skills are EXCELLING, MEETING, or LACKING in our requirements. The following is a detailed analysis of what we believe makes a terrifying Town Villain, and where you stand in these categories on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being “so un-terrifying a baby might actually confuse you for its mother” and 10 being “get the fuck out of town, this guy is going to kill us all”.

NAME: 5 out of 10
The council really had trouble deciding where to grade you here. You started out so well with TOXIC and DEATH; it doesn’t get much more direct than that. But the decision to call yourself a “shaman”, well, we were left shaking our heads. Personally, I don’t want to mess around with anyone that has TOXIC DEATH in their name, but SHAMAN conjures up thoughts of emaciated old men with beards in a cave. Now, maybe you’re thinking “hey, old guys in a caves are creepy, and may have possible pedophiliac tendencies; that sounds evil” and you’re right. We actually lowered your score more for that. That’s not the type of scary we’re looking for.
SUGGESTION: Drop the “shaman” and go with “DEMON” or “AVENGER”. Hell, just “man” would be better than Shaman.

COSTUME: 3 out of 10
Really, we couldn’t get past the mask here. Take this as constructive criticism, please, but this was, perhaps, the WORST mask we saw. The damn thing looks like you found it in an Army Surplus store, got high on paint fumes, and decided to get all crazy with your brush set. Kittens and disabled children would instill more fear into criminals than this glorified gas mask. I’m sorry, but the council was appalled at your apparent lack of effort into this piece of the costume. We see what you were trying to do with the rest of the outfit, and that’s why we gave you a 3 on this one. Really, just tell us, were you like: “holy fuck, I’ve got the Villain interview in like 15, and I totally forgot to make my mask – the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ANY VILLAIN OUTFIT?!”
SUGGESTION: Find the definition of “scary” at dictionary.com, and replace that with whatever definition you’ve got in your brain.

LAIR: 1 out of 10
As a shaman you should AT LEAST live in a cave. Yes, we know Westchester is an affluent suburban town, and there aren’t many caves up for grabs, but there wasn’t a hint of creativity. Your “lair” is, and I quote you, “a basement with no furniture, a freezer, and a pull up bar”. While that might be scary to an interior decorator, your hostages will be wondering what kind of meat you’re storing, instead of passing out from shock on your “evil experiment table” (just an idea). Now we see how you landed on the name shaman: You’re lazy. How can we expect you to carry on with the caliber of villainy that this town requires when you can’t even build yourself a proper lair? Pathetic.
SUGGESTION: Get a drawing board, and then go back to it.

Unfortunately, it is our policy to throw out any candidate who receives a 1 out of 10 score in ANY of our criteria. Our citizens deserve a better class of villain, Mr. Death Shaman, and we simply could not bear to watch you attempt to terrorize our town.

As you know, we did find a new town villain (he’s breathtaking, truly), and he will be making his first appearance soon. If you do anything to disrupt this debut you will be fined, and taken out of consideration for any further villain job openings. Westchester does have a 5-year limit on villains, so you should feel free to apply again in 2013. Use the suggestions we have given you, and you’ll be on your way to making Westchester quiver in fear!

Thank you for your time,

Cecil Jorgensten
Mayor of Westchester

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