Dear World Leaders,
We are in the in the midst of an economic crises not seen since The Great Depression. At least that’s what I’ve seen on TV. Well, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this, and I know what to do. I know it doesn’t seem like there is an easy solution, because usually, there never is. Until now. It really is simple, and I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before.
All we have to do is find the end of the rainbow.
Everyone knows that lying at the end of a rainbow is a pot of gold for the taking. Well, supposedly it belongs to a leprechaun, but I haven’t seen any real evidence of that. What I do know is that there are thousands (millions?) of rainbows cropping up everyday, and we are stupid to the plentiful riches that await us.
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Right now is the perfect time to set our sights on the rainbow market. Even if the leprechauns do rightfully own the gold, what are they going to do with it anyway? Those little bastards can live in trees or under rocks – we have mortgages to pay! If we want to be fair, we can work out some sort of exchange with them, but they need to know that they won’t survive without us. If the world keeps going to way it’s going, the leprechauns will be the first ones we eat when we run out of food – you can bet on it. They probably taste like chicken, and even if they don’t, a little barbecue sauce makes ANYTHING taste good. Am I right?
So, here’s the plan: Rainbows appear AFTER it rains; it rains when there are clouds in the sky; weathermen can predict cloudy weather. Bingo. It’s all right there. We come up with a rainbow probability index. RPI. We put together a special “Rainbow Hunting” task force, and send them to the areas with the highest RPI’s. How much easier can it be? The gold already comes in a pot, so it’s not like there will be any digging or wrangling involved, and I assume the pot has a handle, so it’s already easy to carry. The Rainbow teams could just be one guy for all intents and purposes. And if the pot is really heavy we can just give him an Jeep or something. That’s the way I’m seeing it.
The most insane part is that at this point we don’t even know how big these pots of gold are; they could be fucking KETTLES for all we know! The fact is that we know practically nothing about this ripe financial miraclemaker, and we are getting poorer and looking stupider every day because of it. Scientists could be called on to study the ratio of rainbow size to amounts of gold in the pot. Maybe the bigger the rainbow, the more coinage at the end of it? Who knows! Maybe it’s an inverse thing, where the smaller the rainbow, the bigger the pot of gold. Probably not, but we’ll never know until we get our hands dirty!
There’s no time like the present, gentlemen. The gold is there now, but someday it might just disappear. No one really knows what causes rainbows in the first place, so how can we be sure that they won’t just stop existing one day? We can’t be sure, and so we must act in a timely manner. This is my plea to you.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
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