Rainbows!

Dear World Leaders,

We are in the in the midst of an economic crises not seen since The Great Depression. At least that’s what I’ve seen on TV. Well, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this, and I know what to do. I know it doesn’t seem like there is an easy solution, because usually, there never is. Until now. It really is simple, and I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before.

All we have to do is find the end of the rainbow.

Everyone knows that lying at the end of a rainbow is a pot of gold for the taking. Well, supposedly it belongs to a leprechaun, but I haven’t seen any real evidence of that. What I do know is that there are thousands (millions?) of rainbows cropping up everyday, and we are stupid to the plentiful riches that await us.

click image to view fullsize

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Right now is the perfect time to set our sights on the rainbow market. Even if the leprechauns do rightfully own the gold, what are they going to do with it anyway? Those little bastards can live in trees or under rocks - we have mortgages to pay! If we want to be fair, we can work out some sort of exchange with them, but they need to know that they won’t survive without us. If the world keeps going to way it’s going, the leprechauns will be the first ones we eat when we run out of food - you can bet on it. They probably taste like chicken, and even if they don’t, a little barbecue sauce makes ANYTHING taste good. Am I right?

So, here’s the plan: Rainbows appear AFTER it rains; it rains when there are clouds in the sky; weathermen can predict cloudy weather. Bingo. It’s all right there. We come up with a rainbow probability index. RPI. We put together a special “Rainbow Hunting” task force, and send them to the areas with the highest RPI’s. How much easier can it be? The gold already comes in a pot, so it’s not like there will be any digging or wrangling involved, and I assume the pot has a handle, so it’s already easy to carry. The Rainbow teams could just be one guy for all intents and purposes. And if the pot is really heavy we can just give him an Jeep or something. That’s the way I’m seeing it.

The most insane part is that at this point we don’t even know how big these pots of gold are; they could be fucking KETTLES for all we know! The fact is that we know practically nothing about this ripe financial miraclemaker, and we are getting poorer and looking stupider every day because of it. Scientists could be called on to study the ratio of rainbow size to amounts of gold in the pot. Maybe the bigger the rainbow, the more coinage at the end of it? Who knows! Maybe it’s an inverse thing, where the smaller the rainbow, the bigger the pot of gold. Probably not, but we’ll never know until we get our hands dirty!

There’s no time like the present, gentlemen. The gold is there now, but someday it might just disappear. No one really knows what causes rainbows in the first place, so how can we be sure that they won’t just stop existing one day? We can’t be sure, and so we must act in a timely manner. This is my plea to you.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen

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I Saved The World From Global Warming!

Not only has it been a while since Kyle or I have posted anything on here, but it also has been a long, long time since we worked on the movie I Saved The World From Global Warming! together. Co-created by Kyle and colleague Nolan Wang, this comedy has a little flourish of some T.U.F.C. humor and illustration-work. (Kyle and Nolan were gracious enough to invite me to animate certain sections of the film). I won’t say much more about it, as Kyle is the real authority behind the film.

This weekend I Saved The World From Global Warming! is playing in a Seattle film festival, and I couldn’t make it. In debt to Kyle, I thought I would try to make up for missing the screening by posting about it here. So watch the trailer above, and check out the myspace page for the film. There’s tons of info about it there.

Good luck in Seattle guys!

-Kent

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Saint Kitty’s Day

Saint Kitty

When the worldwide economic collapse reached the bottom of its bottomless pit, and then kept going, causing every nation of the world to be in debt to entities which did not exist and who were, themselves, in debt to the giant financial black hole in the middle of the acidic Atlantic Ocean, all seemed lost…but there was still hope.

When Global Warming became Climate Change, which was stupid so they changed it back to Global Warming, and soon Global Hottening, and then Earth Melt-Fest, and finally Holy Christ Everything Is On Fire and Simultaneously Under Water, the people of our Planet screamed in terror, and while their vocal chords were scarred their voices were not gone, and in their blackened lungs was cradled a tiny pearl of optimism. We would not go down without a fight.

When the world was at its most bleak, when poisonous rain clouds grew ever darker and giant volcanoes filled the sky with lightning and lava, and even regular people wanted to commit suicide because life was truly meaningless, all was not lost.

No. The world did not lose its hope until it became evident that the population of domestic kittens was dwindling to numbers so low that scientists were predicting extinction within a matter of weeks. This was when the candle in our hearts was blown out.

It is said that when the world heard the news of future kitten extinction every human being, as well as most intelligent primates, immediately imagined a world without fluffy balls of love and simultaneously began weeping. This is the only known case of 24 billion human beings crying at the same time about the exact same thing. Even babies were crying about it, only at the time they could not know they were crying about it, but years later when asked about their most traumatic memories, 13 out of 10 people who were babies at the time said they remembered the vivid image of thousands of burning kittens jumping off buildings and really high counter tops. Some people even started throwing up and crying at the same time.

Young, adorable kittens were the only form of pure joy left in our dying world. Drug supplies had run out, sex was impossible, and ice cream had been reduced to a sticky stain on the linoleum floor of every sheltered kitchen in the world. In ashen streets throngs of people, sometimes numbering in the thousands, could be seen crowding around a single kitten, waiting silently for it to meow or curl up into a ball and nap the cutest nap you’d ever seen. Interaction with a kitten, even from a distance, could produce up to a week of pleasant memories, helping to ward off even the worst of depressions.

But the silent waiting did not last long; people were losing hope by the handful. Survival instincts seized the masses and selfishness became modus operandi. Kittens were the new gold. A kitten could get you a seat in The White House, or Buckingham Palace, but in actuality it didn’t matter - both had been burned down, plundered and desecrated, spray-painted over with the human race’s dying words: “1 Kitten = 1 Thousand Days of Happy”.

Rumors spread of secret circles and lone, mysterious men searching for the remaining kittens in hopes of creating singular utopias, living out their last dying days in a kitten-induced state of happiness. Several countries began broadcasting still-images and videos of kittens on every screen available. Times Square was no longer a bastion of consumerism, but instead a giant 6th grade kitten collage plastered in the middle of Manhatten. The sights were beautiful, but the underlying message was haunting: Our last hope was disappearing.

Day by day the kitten population was dwindling. Those fur-balls left wandering their ruinous homelands were fewer and farther between; while those held hostage in the dark caves and solitary basements of the most powerful men were nothing more than pornography, their captors unwilling to negotiate for even a single session of kitty conception. It seemed as if the Earth would die a slow, painful, and kitten-less death.

And then he appeared.

Known only as “Saint Kitty”, this lone, shadowy “super-hero” burst forth from wherever it is that he was hiding and brought with him a revolution, nay, a REVELATION of ecstasy, of unbridled joy, of Heaven on Earth. In the only known picture (above) that exists of “Saint Kitty” he can be seen in the way that any witness to his march would describe him: a suave, fucking-awesome badass, hovering over a sea of kittens, with endless lightning sparkling in his sunglasses, and brandishing his silver “Kitten Protector” for every cowardly Judas to see. With his horde of felines bequeathed to our sad lands, he disappeared, never to be heard from again.

So it is, that on this day, Saint Kitty’s Day, we celebrate our return to prosperity. Formerly St. Valentine’s Day, February 14th was replaced with St. Kitty’s day when everyone realized that Valentine’s Day had become useless, because people no longer enjoyed the company or relationships to be had with their own species. As we wait for science to figure out how to combine Kitty DNA with our own, we can only hope that enough of us are still alive to pro-create with those creatures that we truly love.

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Scenes from The Terrific Tale of Joseph Zipperpin

Scenes from:
The Terrific Tale of Joseph Zipperpin,
The Academy Award-Winning,
Best Film of Ever

INT. SOUND STAGE - DAY

A dark hallway leading to the lit sound stage. Deep, heavy breaths. The camera is focused on the back of an man walking onto the stage.

The sounds of an audience clapping become louder and louder, filling our ears as we follow this individual out to the stage and a trio of podiums. He stands behind the middle podium.

The camera swings to face our individual, and we see that he is a dashing, twenty-something male in a suit. The stage is now the familiar site of the game show, JEOPARDY! Our handsome man writes his name on a screen in front of him, and the camera moves in for a close-up of the front the podium as his name appears:

JOSEPH ZIPPERPIN

We hold on the name as our host, Alex Trebek, welcomes the audience and television viewers. The show begins.

THE PREVIOUS CHAMPION: Let’s start off with “ANCIENT HISTORY” for $200.

ALEX: The Trojan war took place in this century.

Our man, Joseph Zipperpin, rings in, but we…

CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN CLIFFS - STORMY EVENING

Ancient Greece. A man is climbing up a mountain, straining with each reach for another rock.

MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: I must get to the Oracles!

He makes it to the top of the dark mountain, and an area like where the oracles are in the movie 300. Lightning crashes. Wind whips the man’s forest-thick beard. In front of him sit three ghastly “oracles”. One of the three oracles is hairier and shorter than his companions, and talks with a thick New Orleans accent. We recognize him as JOSEPH ZIPPERPIN – he nods at the camera.

MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: O Wise Oracles, I must know when this Great Trojan War will be over.

JOSEPH: It will end sometime before it becomes 1,100 years before Jesus Christ will be born.

MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: What?

JOSEPH: To give you a round about date I would say 1,167 B.C.

MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: B.C.?

JOSEPH: Before Christ. Didn’t I just say that?

MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: What is Christ?

JOSEPH: I think you mean whom.

MOUNTAIN CLIMBING MAN: I am greatly confused…great Oracle!

JOSEPH: Oh, this is going nowhere.

Joseph gets up and gives the man a roundhouse kick to the face and he begins to tumble down the mountain. Joseph high-fives the other oracles.

CUT TO:

INT. SOUND STAGE - DAY

Back at Jeopardy.

JOSEPH: What is the 12th Century, BC?

ALEX: Correct for $200

JOSEPH (whispering to himself): I was just 12 years old.

***

INT. SOUND STAGE - A LITTLE LATER

The part in Jeopardy right after the first commercial break: a little chat with the contestants.

ALEX: Well, Joseph, it says here that you’re…well, why don’t you tell us how old you are?

JOSEPH: I’m 3,100…but I look a lot younger.

The crowd laughs, and so does Alex. He shakes his head, and moves on to the next contestant.

Joseph just smiles, sheepishly. If he wasn’t so fantastic looking you’d think he was a moron.

***

INT. JEOPARDY GAME SHOW STAGE – DAY

It is the middle of the Double Jeopardy round. Joseph has $20,000 compared to the other contestants who each have $0. They look pretty pissed actually. Anyway, it is obviously his turn to choose because no one else has gotten any right.

JOSEPH: I’ll take World War II Ra-tions for $1,600.

The special sound of a DAILY DOUBLE rings out.

ALEX: Remember, Joseph, each correct response will end with the letters “T-I-O-N”. What will you wager?

JOSPEH: I’ll make it a true daily double.

The audience gasps. Alex loosens his tie, and throws his cue cards in the air.

Joseph stands there, as blank as ever.

ALEX: These camps were used to incarcerate Jewish and other prisoners of the Nazi Army.

Joseph rings in, but we

CUT TO:

INT. CONCENTRATION CAMP BARRACKS – NIGHT

Joseph Zipperpin, looking about 30 or so, sits on a bunk carefully reading “The Metamorphosis” under the moonlight that shines conveniently on his page. He hears the sound of footsteps coming towards him and puts the book down, pretending to sleep.

A Nazi officer comes to his bunk.

NAZI (in a very loud whisper): Wake up, Jew!

Luckily all the other prisoners are in a deep sleep, and no one else wakes up.

Joseph turns towards the man, who is boiling with anger.

NAZI: I could hear you turning the pages of your…BOOK!

Joseph gasps and winces.

JOSEPH: I…I…I’m sorry.

NAZI (calming): Don’t be.

Joseph brings his head up to look at the officer, he looks confused.

NAZI: Bring it out from under your pathetic blanket…and read to me!

Joseph grins, stupidly. The Nazi officer cozies up next to Joseph, and he begins to read.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SOUND STAGE – DAY

Close-up on Joseph.

JOSEPH: What are “concentra-TION camps?”

ALEX: That is correct!

The crowd erupts with applause.

Joseph smiles shyly, thinking back on those old reading times…

***

ALEX: This is another word for happy.

Joseph rings in and we

CUT TO:

INT. CONCENTRATION CAMP BARRACKS - AGAIN

Joseph and the Nazi Officer from before have loud intercourse, and kiss passionately. Luckily all the other prisoners, and Nazi guards, and Hitler are in a deep sleep.

CUT TO:

INT. JEOPARDY - STILL THE SAME

JOSEPH: What is gay?

ALEX: Well done, Joseph. You’ve answered every question on the board. It’s almost like your life was made up of the answers from this show. Simply poetic. I can’t think of a better subject for a movie. We’re on to Final Jeopardy next…

***

INT. SOUND STAGE – 20 WEEKS LATER

Joseph is still on the Jeopardy. He is just unstoppable. A force of nature. Zipperpin-Mania has captured America’s attention. People in the audience wear shirts with his face on them. A teenage girl holds up a sign that says “WILL YOU MARRY ME, JOSEPH?” with a big red heart on it, and lipstick marks. She could not know what is about to happen.

It is FINAL JEOPARDY. The theme music plays as our contestants write down their answers.

On the far right of the screen is an OLD MAN wearing a Nazi uniform; the swastikas are huge. He is tied with Joseph for the lead. This has never happened before. No one has even been able to ring in for the past 20 weeks. Something special is in the air.

The Old Man keeps looking at Joseph and nervously smiling. Joseph doesn’t notice, and feverishly writes down his answer.

The music ends; it’s the moment of truth.

Joseph’s answer is revealed: What is The Metamorphosis?

He breathes a sigh of relief and looks at the Old Man, who reveals his answer: What is The Metamorphosis? (with a smiley face drawn next to it, and one of those hearts with an arrow in it)

All of a sudden, Joseph realizes who the Old Man really is…

FLASHBACK - CONCENTRATION CAMP - NIGHT

Joseph and the Nazi hold each other as Joseph closes the book he was reading…”The Metamorphosis”.

END FLASHBACK

JOSEPH: Heinrich? Is it really you?

HEINRICH: Yes, Joseph, it’s me. Ever since I saw your face I knew I had to get on this show. I never would have been able to do it if you hadn’t told me your life story, and also taught me how to read!

JOSEPH: Oh, Heinrich, it’s been so long!

They run to each other, and kiss for about a minute. It seems like its going on forever, when all of a sudden…

BATMAN CRASHES THROUGH THE SOUND STAGE CEILING! He punches Alex Trebek in the face!

BATMAN: Why the hell wasn’t I invited? I’m Batman!

In the mayhem, a zombie of Richard Nixon wearing Italian shoes walks on to the stage and takes a bite out of the unconscious Trebek.

RICHARD NIXON ZOMBIE: I’m drunk and I love hamburgers!

Batman, being a hero, kicks Richard Nixon in the face and his head flies off.

BATMAN: Even though I wasn’t invited, I still support the right for two men to get married! Let’s wed these two men right now!

Wedding music kicks in.

BATMAN: By the power vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you: husband and…

BANG! A gunshot rings out.

It’s CLINT EASTWOOD! And he looks angry!

CLINT: I WILL NOT LET AMERICA DIE!

Batman and Clint Eastwood fight, and the stage gets set on fire. The crowd leaves in a panic and Joseph slowly walks backstage, crying.

He wipes his eyes and standing in front of him is…the ghost of his mother.

JOSEPH’S MOTHER: I told you that life would always be unpredictable, and that you’d never know what was gonna happen until it happened to you. The future will always be a mystery of things that we can’t know until it’s not the future anymore, but the past. Like a bag of groceries that someone else bought for you and put on your table, you never really know what’s in there. Don’t you ever forget that, Joseph.

Joseph smiles again.

JOSEPH: I love you, mama.

FADE OUT.
Joseph Zipperpin
click image to enlarge


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We Have A Winner!

Without further ado, The Unlimited Freedom Castle would like to announce the winner of it’s End of the Year Poll/Contest Thingy…Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you:

Julie Gabriel, from New South Wales, Australia! As long as the international postal system does not fail us, Julie will be the proud owner of a signed Crooked Creek #6 print!

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Before we announce the “Most Popular Piece of 2008″ we’d just like to point out that we have a reader IN AUSTRALIA. That’s just awesome. TUFC has made the long leap across the Pacific. The Castle has gone international. In a consolation prize for the entire Australian continent, we promise never to call anyone “mate” or say “barby” in a fake accent again. YOU’RE WELCOME!

If Julie were here we’d let her announce our next winner, the piece that took home the most votes in our End of the Year Contest, but since she’s not we’ll have to do it ourselves.  People of Earth, the winner of The Unlimited Freedom Castle’s “Most Popular Piece of 2008″ is…The Muppets Go To Prison from October 1, 2008!  If you didn’t trust Kyle enough when he deemed it his favorite piece of 2008, you can surely trust the fine readers who voted for it.

Well, with all the pomp and circumstance over with, it’s time to say THANK YOU to everyone who voted in the contest, and who takes their precious time to visit this little website.  2009 hasn’t completely sucked the life out of us yet, so come back on Monday for a new post that features POP CULTURE, ZOMBIES (again) and RISQUE BEHAVIOR!

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Crooked Creek, Installment #10

Read previous installments of this story by clicking the “Crooked Creek” tab above!

The rush was sickening, but sweet. It overwhelmed Conrad much like his fits; his ribs curled in on themselves, sharpening and crushing his lungs, but there was also release. Some goodness calmed his screaming brain, and a strange joy stuck inside his jaw. Was it pride? He couldn’t identify it, but it was warm and addicting to his veins.

Inside the truck he was an alien. Its leather was worn and through his short breaths the cab smelled foul, lived in. The wheel, the shifter, the pedals; the placement of them all in front of him was like abstract art. But somehow, sitting there, it was intuitive. He had no time to think. Just shift, gas, and go. The nefarious deliveryman was close behind, sputtering curses and staggering on his legs like a broken down boxer. The rear tires skid in their speed, lacing into the gravel road and coughing dust in their trails.

Ahead the road curved with the creek. In conjunction with the rock walls towering above, Crooked Creek jutted to the left and to the right, back and forth, on and on through the valley. It could never make up its mind which way was straight, arguing with itself all the way to the Wide-Mouthed River. At points further on down you could see the frustration in its growing girth and white rapids; calling it a creek in these places became somewhat askew.

With his legs fully extended he could just depress the pedal enough to max out at 30 on the speedometer. It could have been the speed of light for all Conrad could tell. His senses blared, tunneling his vision and drowning out the world. Still, the rush stayed. With the road curving and the walls so close it was a wonder he stayed on the road for as long as he did.

Crooked Creek #10 by Kent St. John

But the road wasn’t going to follow the creek forever. The Crooked Valley was disappearing, and as would anyone stuck in its clutches for too long, the road made a swift exit at the nearest opening. Conrad saw the road begin to curve. He watched it, but it did not make sense to him. How could it? The creek would lead him to the river, which would lead to the ocean, so why would the road need to go another way? Quick dumb math in the head of an out-of-control boy went nowhere. He never did let his foot off the gas pedal, and suddenly the road just wasn’t there.

The thump of metal and rubber. A scurry for the brakes. Conrad weightless and floating in the cab with no seat belt, lucky to miss the ceiling in the thrashing. The ground kept falling down and down, and the truck with it, bounding to the valley floor. He screamed something high-pitched, giving himself away to the truck and the rocks and whatever end he might have: just a boy, just a boy.

Slamming the brakes with both feet the truck began to slow. It rolled to the edge of Crooked Creek, inching along until the front tires planted themselves in the shallow bed. A slow ripple cascaded to the opposite edge of the shore and then there was stillness.

Conrad put his hands through his grimy hair and caught his breath. Out past the windshield he saw the ends of the Crooked Valley. He saw what the world looked like when it opened up and flattened out. He’d never seen the horizon stretch so far, scraping and pushing down the crisp ends of the earth in a slow war over the gazing eyes of all living things. But he was more aware that everything in front of him had stopped bouncing; he smiled at that. A thought came to him and he pinched his cheek to make sure he was real. It was all real, and so he took a moment for himself among the quiet.

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Contest Reminder! HURRY! ONLY 4 DAYS LEFT TO WIN EPIC SIGNED PRINT!

There are only 4 days left to give yourself a chance to win a signed art print!  Just head on over to our Contest Page, and vote for your favorite piece from 2008.  If your name is chosen on February 1st then you will win an enlarged print of the piece you voted for (or another of your choosing)!

Framed

Check out how awesome they look when framed and put on a wall! (Frame, unfortunately, not included) Plus, it will be signed by both of us, and even though that doesn’t mean anything, wouldn’t it be cool?

Come and get your contest on at The Unlimited Freedom Castle!  Everyone’s a winner (unfortunately, there is only one winner)!  Good luck!

Any questions?  Drop us a line at theunlimitedfreedomcastle@gmail.com

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GOLD: The Series, a recommendation.

If there’s one thing that us starving artists must do it is stick together. With that said, The Unlimited Freedom Castle would like to introduce you to GOLD, a comedic webseries.

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The show is the brainchild of creator, David Nett, and has been put together with a wonderful, completely volunteer cast and crew. It’s a comedy series about Professional Role Playing Gamers. If you’re not sure what Role Playing Games are think of Dungeons and Dragons. Now pretend there is a World Championship for Dungeons and Dragons. THAT is what GOLD brings you, and it’s hilarious. 1 part sports-movie spoof, 1 part fantastic/real writing and acting, and 100 parts passion is what you get from GOLD. If that doesn’t sell you, then just know that TUFC highly recommends it. We would never lead you astray.

Start watching the Prologue and get caught up through Episode 2!

www.goldtheseries.com

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Kyle’s Favorite Post of 2008

It is insanely hard to pick my favorite post of 2008. Part of me wants to pick every Crooked Creek, because I think Kent takes his art to another level for that story. He practically reads parts of my mind I didn’t even know I had. I’ve loved every moment of writing it as well, but it’s almost become a separate entity to me. The more spontaneous, random posts are what The Unlimited Freedom Castle is all about! That’s why I have to say that my favorite post of the year is “The Muppets go to Prison!”

The illustration doesn’t really make any sense, but that what makes it so inspired. Why is a bad ass knight bounding over rooftops running from a Godzilla-ish Fozzy Bear? Does it matter? NO! I know, because we talked about it, that the image just appeared in Kent’s head and he knew it had to be drawn. It’s times like that when I’m jealous that he can just put on paper whatever is in that crazy thing he calls a brain.

When I first saw it I had no idea what to do. That’s nothing new for me, but I felt like I had to do this piece justice. I sat staring at my computer screen, like so many other times, and then it hit me: Fozzy as a disgusting felon is something I want to see. I’ve only written a few things on the site in screenplay format (the alignment is off, but that’s what I was going for) but when I saw it in my head it had to be cinematic. Everything after the first scene came pretty fluidly, but I had to do a little research to remember Fozzy as the lame jokester that he is. In the end I feel like the piece was a fully realized sequence from an unearthed noir Muppets screenplay. Hopefully it lived up to its inspiring illustration…

- Kyle

Fozzy

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“Absolutely”

click image to enlarge
Andrew Wyeth "Absolutely"

Such shadows
On your cloud-socked coast
Bells ring from towers
Muffled ‘neath the monotony of waves

Same shadows
Trickling of sunlight
On a railroad track
Where your memory disappears
Forever lost amidst that days of heaven sunset
With your sienna covered hills
Shivering in a wind so distinct
You see its knife hands
Cutting paths to imaginary homes
That will never be
Agreeing it’s so perfect
Surrounded by nothing out here

Balled up what’s said and done
This and that
Understand how it is you made yourself

We see ghosts in fall
God in summer’s gold
and always Death in winter

Asleep to dream
Alone again

Note: The portrait above is of the artist Andrew Wyeth

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